My dad has been in the hospital now for almost two weeks. Yesterday August 2 he was moved to the intensive care unit with severe sepsis. He is on a ventilator and doesn’t look good at all. What if my dad doesn’t make it? My mom’s two year anniversary of passing away was not even two weeks ago, is my dad next? Will it happen soon? The doctors have switched his antibiotics several times now. I’m not sure how much more my dad’s body can take. I want him to be strong and get better even though a few days ago he told me he is ready to go!

Just had my appt for my breast biopsy. Oh man it was painful! I cried! The injection for the numbing medicine was probably the worst part. So now I gotta wait for my results. Is it cancer or not?! In one week I will know. Of course I’m hoping it’s not cancer. But if it is I will deal with it. I will be strong just like my mom was she fought with everything she had and so will I.!

Two years ago today my mom was at the San Antonio icu hanging on to dear life. I remember I left the hospital around this time so me and my kids can get some sleep and we would be back in the morning. I wasn’t able to sleep because I knew she could go literally at any moment. My sister’s and I had agreed to take her off life support the day before. With one lung already collapsed, and cancer all over her body, her heart had started shifting to the other side of her chest. I wanted to be there with her Just in case she took her last breath. I remember finally being able to sleep but waking up super early to again be at the hospital with my mom. I got up and the girls and I were showering and eating breakfast when my sister calls and says my mom is gone ! I was in my pajamas still I was next to shower but at that moment I didn’t care I put some shoes on And the girls still with their hair wet and not fully ready we ran out of our apt And I speed to the hospital which is only ten minutes away but it felt like an hour to get there. I really hoped my mom would still be alive when I got there. It was about 9 in the morning when my mom passed away. When I got to her room everyone was crying so I knew she was gone . I held her hand for hours as rigor set in. I saw her body as it was changing, her blood settling her body bloating and her hands so cold. I stayed there with her until the hospital was going to take her body to the morgue, a good 5 hours I was by her side after she passed. It was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. My own mom, my best friend lifeless. I left the hospital and went home with my kids. We cried and just hugged each other. And I slept the rest of the day. I didn’t want to do anything not even eat. My mom was gone how could I do anything?! It’s been two years and in my heart it feels like it was just yesterday! There is not a day that I don’t think about my mom!

Evan and I decided to move in together! Yeah I know crazy huh?! But I’m so excited!:) still a little nervous but that’s just normal! I think?! I love him so much and I know he’s the one for me and I can’t wait to be able to see him everyday. I know it’s not always going to be easy but overall I’m looking forward to it. Besides the move I’m still waiting on a call from the breast imaging place for my appointment for this biopsy that is stressing me out everyday! I just want it done and over with just so I know if I have cancer or not and I could just deal with it. A year ago I had my first biopsy and I got good news:) the lump was benign but this time I just have a feeling that the news won’t be so great! Maybe because I’m just sad that my mom’s two year anniversary of being in heaven is on Tuesday. It’s so overwhelming, the move, the biopsy, my mom’s anniversary. But still I’m just hoping for the best! I love my mom and miss her so much! I love my kids and want to be healthy so I can watch them grow up and be happy adults, and I want to marry Evan and want to be happy with him for so many years!

My appt today didn’t go so well. The lump that showed up late last year has increased in size. So the only way to see if it’s cancer or not is to have a biopsy. Next month will be a year that I had my first biopsy. I’ve been trying not to stress out but seriously that’s not possible right now! Goodnight!

Even though I had such a great week off work and a great birthday, one thing just lingered on my mind the whole time. Today. Monday, my next mammogram! My appt is in two hours and I’m so scared. What if this time my breast lump looks like it could be something?! What if a new lump has appeared?! What if I need more surgery?! All these what ifs Are constantly on my mind. Everyone tells me that I’ll be ok! I’m praying I will but unless you’ve been in this situation you don’t know how stressful this is for me. My mom passed away from breast cancer and that’s why I’m always on high alert! I don’t want cancer, I don’t want anymore surgeries! I just wish I didn’t have to go through this! I just want some good news today. That’s all I want!

For of those who know me you all know that my bday is July 4 th and this year Evan planned a little get away for us. We went down to San Diego and he took me kayaking! It was my first time ever going out in the ocean on a kayak. It was so nerve racking at first but after my nerves calmed down a bit I totally enjoyed how beautiful the scenery was. The water was so pretty and the little fish underneath us as we paddled out farther. The sea lions were cool too. We also went on a bike ride and walked around the shops, had dinner and than waited for the firework show to start. It was probably the best birthday ever!

I haven’t blogged in several days, I guess I’ve just had a lot on my mind and haven’t really wanted to share it with anyone but today I’m feeling like I want to get some stuff off my chest. I’ve been having some great days but also have had a few really bad days. I just am still struggling with my self esteem. I don’t know why I feel so ugly! Ugh it’s so horrible! Another issue I’ve been struggling with is that my mom’s anniversary of her passing is coming up in less than one month. I haven’t enjoyed my birthday for the past two years since its so close to the day my mom passed away. This year Evan planned a wonderful day for my birthday and I feel almost guilty for wanting to have fun. But hopefully that will pass because my bday is Friday just a few more days. I miss my mom so much and I don’t want her to feel like I forgot about her! I’m also stressing over my next mammogram appointment which is in a week. I’m just hoping that everything turns out o.k. and that I don’t have breast cancer!

I haven’t wrote a post in a few days and its because things got really bad! So bad that I stopped taking my medicine for two days. Not sure why, I know I’m not suppose to do that. Maybe I just got tired of talking it, not that I was going to completely stop but maybe just needed a break! I told Evan and he was so disappointed. He kinda knew already because of the way I was acting. Emotional, jealous, suicidal! My migraines came back also which has subsided when I started on my depression medicine. I had a four day migraine that finally went away last night. It felt like my head was going to explode! I know stopping my medicine is not an option. Especially now that Evan and I are seriously talking about moving in together at the end of the year. That’s only a few months away. Am I really ready to live with a man? I haven’t lived with a man since I was 18 years old when I was pregnant with my first. And that experience is why I’m so nervous to move in with someone again. I was like a prisoner in my own home. My ex had so much control over me, so much that I could only shower or eat or wear make up when he said I could. I know Evan is totally different from my ex but it’s still a fear inside that things can go horribly wrong. But I think to myself. . . well I’m not pregnant so it’s not like we’re being forced to live with each other. We want to because we love each other! And that’s what makes all the difference.

I miss my mom very much, every day as a matter a fact. Her two year anniversary of being in heaven is coming up in about five weeks. This time of year is a sad time for my family. Two years ago my mom was literally dying of cancer in my apt ! She suffered so much especially at the end. That dam cancer why did it have to happen to my mom!? I told Evan that I’ve been obsessing over the wheelchair marks on the wall from her chair when my mom was wheelchair bound. He said its time to move out of there. I know it’s what’s best for me and my girls not having the constant reminder of nana. But I still have  her clothes, shoes, make up bag, even down to her nail clipper. Her hospice kit and even her sharps container. I can’t seem to let go of it. I know she’s in a better place and not suffering but I’m selfish sometimes and want her here with me!